The Art of Ass Kissing

This is a post that won't tip-toe softly on the office politics of ass kissery. We all have done at least some form of it. But those random moments of sucking up aren't what I am referring to.



It's the chronic ass kissers who really annoy me and the dense individuals who cannot see through it.

Why on earth does anyone think that ass kissery of any form elevates the workplace? It doesn't. Not only does it induce episodes of gagging, but it makes your office a douche-y place to work. Do you really want to have an office full of douche-baggery? I sure as hell don't.

Why is this post so profane, you ask? Because that is what gets through to people.

Here's a simple guide to stopping ass kissery before it becomes an epidemic.

1. Like any outbreaks, quarantine the ass kissers to a part of the office where they won't be irritating the productive people.

2. Tell managers they should foster an environment of mutual respect and honestly. Discourage flattery and fluff by asking employees to be honest and open.

3. Create a zero tolerance policy for rewarding favors. Giving ass kissers raises they don't deserve does no one good.

In all seriousness, if you are an ass kisser, it will only get you so far. There always comes a point where performance alone will matter. It would serve you well to divert that energy into your work. Shameless flattery is really nauseating.

Bridezillas, Groomzillas, and the Working Wedding Party

Since weddings are happening when people are in their late 20's and early 30's, I think someone should point out the obvious...

You're a young professional who dedicates themselves whole-heartedly to work. At times you feel that your 10 hour work days, professional development and budding personal life can be overwhelming. Congratulations, you're normal!

So, have you ever felt that your friends who are entering the bold, new world of marriage have turned into seriously demanding assholes? Have you wondered, "who is this person shrieking about wedding duties and where is my college roommate who crammed for a final at 2:00am with a can of Red Bull?" Yep, you're still normal!

Weddings have a way of turning normal people into total selfish monsters. Not just the bride, either. In fact, the grooms can get pretty demanding. Lets take the wedding of an acquaintance of mine and the demands they made of their wedding party. Keep in mind, their wedding was "low budget".

- Bride demanded the wedding colors be hot pink and violet. Her groom and groomsmen all got to look like they worked in Vegas for the sacred event.

- Groom asked full-time college student and administrative assistant best man to plan and pay for a bachelor party that included liquor, strippers, and racing. All this on top of the $200 tuxedo rental. Ahem, thanks for the concern on rising college costs.

- Bride was confronted with unrealistic budget, asked already married friends to renew vows at the same time so they could split the cost of the wedding that was already planned and decorated to the bride's tastes. Seriously. I shit you not, this ACTUALLY happened.

- Groom demands that the best man be reachable at "all times" so they can plan.

- Same couple registers at a retail establishment too expensive for wedding guests to afford.

As young professionals struggle to keep up with rising costs of living, put off life decisions, and pay down student debt, WHY are we seeing outrageous weddings? Shouldn't this trend have been stomped out during the recession? According to an article from Reuters in March, the average cost of weddings has surged past $27,000.

My advise for people feeling the pinch of friends' marriages? First of all, say no. If you don't have the time or money to even afford a dress or tuxedo rental, say so. Real friends shouldn't expect you to fork over money you have for their event. If you can swing the rental, but the additional events are adding up, be clear about your financial position as much as possible and offer to sit out when possible. There isn't shame in it. If your career doesn't allow you the time off to go cake testing or additional tuxedo fittings, say so! Don't risk your blossoming career for your friend's wedding duties and don't allow them to burden you with obligation. They are getting married, not you.

You know what is shameful? Asking your financially strapped friends to pay and arm and a leg to attend your wedding. My advise to brides and grooms that have unrealistic expectations is to expect to have less friends.

Why are Unemployment Numbers so Shocking to the Media?

I can't understand the news media these days. They act each week as though the increase in unemployment is terribly shocking. I'm curious, journalists, in all your infinite economical knowledge, where is the smoking gun that tells you that the unemployment situation should be improving? Waiting...




From MSN today...

 As someone who has hired and fired people, had a budget (that I had to stick to), and been in the private sector for her entire career, I say that the numbers are NOT surprising. You know what would be surprising? If they showed significant improvement. That would be cupcake worthy!

Where prices aren't stagnant, prices are rising. (Hello? Anyone besides me been to the grocery store and gas station lately? OUCH!) Businesses are consumers too. When overhead expenses increase (energy prices, taxes, etc) or are EXPECTED to increase, there is little motivation to add a position to a firm. In fact, companies will try and automate their way around hiring as much as possible. Even if that investment is greater, initially, than hiring an employee. The goal in business (and the only reason to be in business) is to operate profitably.

Good luck, those jobs are really hard to find now!

Anyway, the media is doing America a giant disservice. Instead of researching the economic factors that are stifling employment growth, they'd rather be "caught off guard" when the numbers continue to suck. This isn't news, this is ass kissery at its best. I want to be able to look at a news outlet and get news, not spin.

Journalism used to be a noble career. Now, they are nothing more than used car salesmen(women). I'm not buying.

Violent Encounters with Co-Workers: A Hate Story

I used to work in a non-profit where individuals could donate their "gently-used" goods and we would resell it to fund a variety of good causes. I am purposely being vague since I am about to dish some serious dirt about a co-worker that I once managed.

Here's what you need to know about Jackie*. She was a section supervisor directly reporting to me or one of two other managers depending on who was working the shift. Since we administered HR functions in addition to various other tasks, I was definitely in a place where my actions pissed off a lot of people.

Jackie was in a position where she got to pre-screen the donated goods. It's not infrequent that a wealthy couple will donate their old designer goods to the organization. As it happens, Jackie enjoyed designer items and also got a kick out of selling them too. I don't often use the term "label whore", but when I do, I am referring to Jackie.




When I say "label-whore", this is what I think of.

 Turns out, our stock of fine, designer items dropped when Jackie was in the building. Some of us knew this was no coincidence. We were the people Jackie labeled "haters" and accused of being "out to get her". That's usually a sign someone is up to no good. The other sign would be the fact that they were overly suspicious of people who asked simple questions like, "have you noticed a drop in high quality donations?"

Asking about one's opinion on whether we should be concerned about donation volume would generally send Jackie into sputtering accusations. Here are some of the classics:

"I know what you are sayin', always trying to accuse me of something."

"I bet you think that just because we are [insert random protected class here], we are always stealing."

Funny, the people who are the worst employees seem to have the most HR law knowledge...

Anyways, I caught her one day making a "hand-off" of designer bags via a camera. Once she was fired for stealing, ejected from the premises kicking and screaming (word to the wise, always fire before everyone gets there or after they leave), I thought she was gone for good.

A few months later, I am washing my car at a local self-service car wash with a friend when suddenly Jackie pulls up behind me. She recognized my car immediately and came up to me. I was a little caught off guard and said 'hi' reluctantly.

Jackie screamed in my face and backed me up against the car wash wall. My very tall male friend was (fortunately) with me and able to stop what would have likely been a 'beat-down'. (No, I am not stereotyping, that was the threat that was screamed at me)

Moral of the story? It can be very dangerous to fire someone. If you are in a position where you are forced to write-up or fire an unstable co-worker, make sure you document behaviors and take whatever precautions you can. Bitches be crazy.

*Name may or may not have been changed. You'll never know because I won't tell!

Obesity and the Workplace

Is your job making you fat? I'll bet it is. If you aren't obese or overweight and never really have been (I'm talking for a decade or more), then you aren't going to understand what it is like to really get the obesity fight compounded by your work, BUT your job could still be causing a decline in your health. Frankly, nothing will be done by your managers unless you are ready to fight for it.

And this is when you really should speak up and ask for support in keeping yourself and co-workers healthy.

Support attention-starved wildlife, get out and walk more!

I see three ways that my job has increased my waistline: computer dependence, increased stress, and lack of work-life balance.

Twenty years ago I would have been away from my desk about 200% more often than I am now. I would be faxing things, running to meetings, and making regular runs to FedEx and similar office businesses. Thanks to automation, 98% of everything I do can be done from my desk. Which is 32" off the ground. I have two choices, a stability ball or chair. But still, aside from my "health breaks" to walk around for 5 minutes, I am stuck sitting for 8-10 hours a day.

Twenty years ago, the Internet didn't provide so much information on how to squeeze more and more work from your employees. Employers had to use other gauges for productivity and also factor in the time it takes to perform certain tasks. Now, everything is automated. Managers feel that there is no limit in how many automated tasks, emails, etc an employee can take on. I wonder if leaders and managers think that all their employees have a secret stash of cocaine or speed to rely on. Unrealistic expectations are becoming more and more the way of business.

Twenty years ago, when I went on vacation, it was very hard to do work. Today, with iPad and Blackberry devices, you can now stress out about that report you need to write up from the toilet in your beach side hotel room. Even at dinnertime, you can manage your emails and follow-up with clients in different timezones just so you can be one of the lucky few that receive a whopping 1% raise this year. Yeah, that is so healthy, right?

Not to mention eating at our desks more, coming in to work sick, and sitting under unnatural lighting each day... What can be done?

Well, create a committee in your office that is made up of people who want to find solutions. It can be as simple as a group that takes a half hour to walk each day, or you could propose solutions to your management that would help employees live healthier. If you have a great idea, feel free to leave in the comments section below, we have a group that does that at my current job as well.

Calculating the Destructive Force of the Office Gossip

We all know the office gossip. The "mean girl" (or boy) who sets out to make it their mission to spread hot information among the cubicle masses. While this isn't illegal, or always an issue, it can certainly suck for those of us who do not wish to engage. The tricky part for managers, human resource professionals, and annoyed co-workers is being able to tell whether the gossip is destructive (Mean Girls) or harmless (the View). It is really coffee talk? Or is this person a destructive, super-bitch? This is where I have actual education and experience, so perhaps you can reserve a little more credibility for my thoughts (over the typical grain-of-salt variety).

The first step in assessing your chatty Cathy is to look at how the person gossips. Here's a quick test for the type of gossip your office fosters.

Harmless Gossip = Discussions of celebrity nonsense and who's getting married next month. Done publicly, perhaps in the break room or at the copier.

Destructive Gossip = Discussion of negative and/or personal information about co-workers or related individuals. Done more privately in a "hushed-tone" or behind closed doors.

Do you have a "harmless gossip"? Your best bet is to put up with the constant chatter of who Kim Kardashian is currently screwingseeing, as long as these people are still productive. Look, it's who they ARE. Some people are really fascinated with other people's lives. Think of it like that lady who obsesses over her cats. You may not care whether Mittens has had bowel issues lately, but that's what you put up with to keep the peace. Smile politely and excuse yourself. Heck, perhaps watch five minutes of TMZ and make this person's day.

Do you have a "destructive gossip"? You will know because they often like to awkwardly spread which co-worker had a fling with a board member or even make up things to suit their ulterior motives. Honestly, avoiding these people often makes you the target, but since these spineless bottom-feeders could turn on you in a heartbeat, avoid them. Say your polite "hello" and move on. These people can ruin targeted employees reputations.

In my experience, destructive gossips are either really pathetic people who must create conflict to have any sense of power or people who make themselves look better by tearing down others (or both). Most organizations don't take the complaints on these people seriously. Keep out of it if you can and never trust these people.

I have seen a destructive gossip take down more than a few smart professionals. They are worthless leeches in any company, but the risk of firing them is often perceived as too great for management.

Office Hoarder CEOs

I am calling A&E and this will be their new show, "Office Hoarders". In the past 10 years, nearly every office I have had the joy of working in has had a serious hoarding issue. It's as if their only policy on paper documents is to never throw anything away.

Yes, I drew the 'all the things' meme.

Yes, let's please save random checklists from half a decade ago in case we suddenly have a shortage of your writings. I'm certain that delusions of fame are what drives this.

Then, there's a change in management. Typically the new CEO wants to trash all the meme-ries of the "Retain ALL the documents" CEO. This is where the lowly staff members who don't have a company credit card come in. It is their duty to sift through the madness with a clipboard in hand (with the new "document retention policy").

Of course, the only silver lining to this crap job is drawing memes on everything before the shredder comes to pick it up...

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.