Chicken Soup for the Cubicle Drone

I hope you aren't expecting a heart-warming story about the community spirit of co-workers. This is actually about the soul-sucking attitudes people have adopted about coming to work sick. Not only can people not distinguish when and when not to come to work, but they comically think that they can judge everyone else on this matter.


Here's an example:

Penny is an administrative assistant. She has children and no tolerance for people who bring their germs into the office. Time and time again, she mistakes your allergies as a fake excuse to come to work with a cold (the HORROR) so you can infect her precious angels with the dreaded rhino-virus. This woman feels she is the judge and jury of when you should come to work. Penny doesn't give an F if you have deadlines. Her children's lives (despite being healthy children with no immune-system issues) are at stake!

You might be asking yourself if Penny puts her pride and joy little munchkins into daycare... She totally does. Yet, Penny, in her infinite wisdom, is still more concerned about YOUR germs over the cesspool that are daycare facilities. After all, her kids are immune to those germs. Apparently, all office-worker germs are airborne and H1N1 for sure.

Granted, we all hate the a-hole who shows up to work with norovirus and has an aversion to hand washing. That person is impossible to like. However, they tend to stay home for the most part as no one really enjoys having "a little accident" in front of co-workers.

Penny will publicly call-out anyone who dares to show up with the sniffles as she is the self-appointed mucus police. The irony is that because Penny "has kids" she "must" show up to work sick. The rules don't apply to Penny, because she has children. She has to take extra sick days because of her children. So, it's okay for her to get YOU sick because SHE has children.

Cold and flu season is coming up and I have prepared a simple way to tell whether it is advisable to stay home or come to work.

1. Do you have a fever?
2. Have you vomited or had diarrhea in the past 24 hours?
3. Do you have a deep, violent cough that brings up lots of mucus?
4. Do you have pinkeye?
5. Do you have head-lice?

If you have answered yes to any of the questions above, you need to stay home and consult a physician. This isn't medical advice, it's etiquette. Don't go saying I gave you medical advice, because I didn't.

Now, if you come to work because you have a runny nose without a fever and a headache, it could be sinus pressure. Tell Penny that perhaps her and her kids would be best suited for life in a plastic bubble. If that doesn't work, encourage Penny to kindly shut the hell up and have a wonderful day.